I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
