She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
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I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
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Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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