Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
