You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
