There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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