This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
