apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
