You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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