I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
zippers are such a cool invention
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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