last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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