What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
