you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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