He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
