I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
barbara walters just said penis...
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I can feel your judgement through the phone
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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