Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
