I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
mondays should just be called national damage control day
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
