I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
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You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
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how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
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