he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
