oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
