my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
