I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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