who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
