omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
