My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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