i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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