I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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