I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I am one with the molecules
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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