seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
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Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
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you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away