piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
17 Subtle Body Language Signs That Reveal A Lot About Someone
the evidence from last night is not good...
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting