the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
19 People Did The Wildest Things When They Were Black-Out Drunk
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
21 Signs That A Dude is Probably Insane
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.