I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.