On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
