It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
