I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Randomize
