I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
The air was thick with penises
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
