so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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