Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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