he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
