I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
