Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
