Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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