I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
