Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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