My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
i need some magic done to my vagina
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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