I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
