Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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