im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
