I can tuck mytits in my pants
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
