i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
