Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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