Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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