Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Randomize
