They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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