I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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