I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
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